Writer’s note: This post was written On December 28, 2016, and was saved as a draft but never posted. Time has cooled the emotion I felt when writing this. My ex-husband passed away less than 11 months later. -Cindy <><

“Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.”
Thomas Gray

There are things that happen which cause us to wish we could invoke a “system restore point” to erase the event and the unintended changes it caused.  When we are ignorant to the true intentions of others, we can skip along blissfully content in the way things are. However, once made aware of the truth, our perceptions can never truly be the same.

I’ve had such a revelation this week, and I have been truly, deeply hurt by the realization. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I am left with the choice to severely limit my interaction with some family members or to move forward pretending I do not know what I do.

Through a conversation with a family member after Christmas, it has become quite clear that several family members do not believe that I actually experienced the emotional abuse from my ex-husband that I have described to them, to the point that they are more concerned with him than they are with what he did to me (and is currently doing to our daughter).  It’s not that I begrudge them having concern for him, for I truly do not – we were married for 20 years and he is the father of my children – but I have specifically and clearly asked that they not do things which enable him, such as giving him money. I discovered before Christmas that they were giving him money anyway, then after Christmas a casual conversation revealed the rest.

My ex-husband is an alcoholic, and he’s a mean drunk. His drinking became much worse about a year before we divorced, and as the effects of the alcohol increased so did the abuse. Knowing what I do now,  I am certain it was only a matter of time before it progressed to physical abuse; he was already throwing things at me and punching holes in our walls “to keep from hitting [me].” By the time I got the courage to leave, I had absolutely no feelings left for him. He had completely destroyed them years before, and I was only hanging on to the marriage out of pride (after all, no Christian marriage should end in divorce) and for the sake of my children. Even so, I agonized over leaving him. However, I have yet to shed a single tear over the loss of my marriage, and it’s been over 5 years since we initially separated.

Two years after the divorce, my 20-year-old daughter moved in with him to care for him after he was diagnosed with alcoholic neuropathy and malnutrition (due to alcohol abuse), putting off her education while she works to support him. More than two years later, he continues to drink as often as he believes that he can get away with it, but promises to quit and becomes quite sorrowful when faced with any possible consequences for his actions. She is now the object of his outbursts. She is a saint for taking care of him and weathering the storm, but she has just about had her fill of it as well. He doesn’t even realize that his actions have already cost him his marriage and that if he continues to drink,  his relationship with his children is in serious jeopardy. Understandably, they do not want to watch their father drink himself to death.

Despite all this, very close family members are still giving him money and still treating him as if he is a part of the family against my wishes and against the wishes of both my children, specifically doing it in such a manner as to hide it from me and them.  The foggy vision has become clearer and clearer. I cannot find the words to express how I feel.

Perhaps I should just feel thankful that I know now where I really stand and that going forward I can better discern when they are not being upfront with me. At this moment, though, I need to go pull these knives out of my back so that maybe I can stop feeling the hurt they have caused.

I believe I shall just let them have him since they want him to be in their lives so badly. After all, now I am loved unconditionally by an amazing gentleman, I am appreciated, I am taken care of, I am encouraged, I am built up daily instead of torn down, and I am free to speak my mind and be myself, all the time… my cup runneth over…

…and there is still joy on this journey, on my way home to my Father’s house,
Cindy <><